Tips To Become A Better Listener, With Samaritans

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Today is Samaritans Awareness Day - a day to help people remember that Samaritans are always there for anyone who needs someone to listen to them. If you’re feeling like you need to talk to someone, you can contact Samaritans for free, at any time, on 116 123. 

Here are some top tips from Samaritans on how you can become a better listener. So, if your friends or family are going through a tough time and want to talk to you, you’ll know how to lend a supportive ear…

A great way to remember how to be a good listener is to take part in some active listening tips, which Samaritans call SHUSH. This stands for: Show you care, Have patience, Use open questions, Say it back, and Have courage.  

Show you care

To really listen to somebody, you need to give them your full attention, maintain eye contact and be engaged. This means focusing on them totally, making eye contact, and putting away your phone. Getting into this habit takes practice so don’t be too hard on yourself and keep using these handy tips:

When starting the conversation, resolve not to talk about yourself at all.

Keep a listening diary for a week. Record how many times you listened really well, note what challenges and distracts you and what you think went well.

Aim to learn at least one new thing about the person who is talking to you.

Have patience

Effective listening is about creating trust with the other person. The person sharing shouldn’t feel rushed, or they won’t feel it’s a safe environment. It may take time and several attempts before a person is ready to open up, so give them the time and space they need. 

If they pause, just wait, they may not have finished speaking. It might take them some time to formulate what they are saying, or they may find it difficult to articulate what they're feeling. Through non-judgemental listening, you are allowing the person to relax into the conversation and to use it as a place to reflect or work through difficult emotions.

Use open questions

An open-ended question means not jumping in with your own ideas about how the other person may be feeling. These questions don't impose a view point and require a person to pause, think and reflect, and then hopefully expand. Avoid asking questions or saying something that closes down the conversation. Open-ended questions encourage them to talk, shows that the conversation is a safe space that you are holding for them, and nothing they say is right or wrong. Try asking, “how are you feeling today?” rather than “are you okay?”

Say it back

Repeating something back to somebody is a really good way to reassure them that they have your undivided attention. And you can check to see that you’re hearing what they want you to hear, not putting your own interpretation onto the conversation.

Have courage

Sometimes it can feel intrusive and counter-intuitive to ask someone how they feel. Don’t be put off by a negative response and, most importantly, don’t feel you have to fill a silence. You’ll soon be able to tell if someone is uncomfortable and doesn’t want to engage with you at that level. You'll be surprised at how willing people are to talk to someone who is willing to listen. And how, sometimes, it is exactly what somebody needs to be able to share what is going on in their mind.

If you’re listening to a friend or family and you’re worried about their mental health, or think they might be in danger of hurting themselves, the best and quickest way to get help is to call for an ambulance on 999. You can also call a GP, specialist services, or Samaritans. For more information on how to get help for other people, click here.