Me And My Demisexuality

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Sexuality is a spectrum, and sometimes it takes a while to find where on that spectrum you fit. One of our Writers’ Club members shares their experience with figuring out their sexuality, and what it means for them...

Throughout my childhood and time at school, my sex education was quite vague and undetailed, as many of us have probably experienced. Sex Ed, still struggling to dig itself out of the ‘taboo’ side of the conversation, is widely taught but can be challenged by the historical and controversial opinions which have made it the sensitive subject it is today in multitudes of cultures around the world. There is a lot about sex education that I was never taught by school or by my parents. Frankly, I never got ‘the talk’ from my parents, coming from a Middle Eastern background, and I had to turn to siblings, friends, and the internet for more information. However, the main thing I am going to talk about is demisexuality, and my experience with it throughout my life. 

Just over a year ago I watched a video about demisexuality, not having known it existed, and suddenly I felt seen and heard about an aspect of my life which I was so out of tune with, that I didn’t realise had impacted me so much until then. Demisexuality is on the grey-sexual spectrum between asexual and sexual, and means that any demisexual person, no matter their gender identity or sexuality, only feels sexual attraction to another person when they have an emotional connection to them. This has a big impact on who demisexual people interact with on intimate levels, because usually we tend to develop sexual feelings towards friends and people we already know and trust on deep levels. In my experience, this has unfortunately put me into the inevitable friendzone multiple times, because the downside to being demisexual means that your friends have already overlooked you as being more than a friend long before you develop any feelings towards them, and by then it is usually too late. 

I experienced a sense of isolation from the friends I had when I was younger, unable to contribute to their conversations about random people they saw on the street and made suggestive, sexual comments about. I have never been able to see someone and immediately think sexually about them, although I have experienced this with romantic feelings. However, in my case, I also experience some difficulties with trust, so it definitely factors into who I think about both in sexual and romantic manners. Being demisexual definitely contributed to feeling out of place, and this made it much more difficult to explore my sexuality and created feelings of shame and resentment towards myself for not understanding why I couldn’t just be ‘normally’ attracted to others. Even now I find difficulty in expressing my sexual side because it was shut out and ignored for so long. I didn’t understand that I needed a solid emotional bond in order to feel truly attracted to someone. I can still find people generally sexually attractive, but I won’t personally feel sexually attracted to them and want to engage with them sexually if I do not know them, or connect with them on an emotional level. Appearance just isn’t enough to create that bond, especially when it would involve being extremely vulnerable with another person. 

I also experienced some challenges when I was dating online, especially when it came to trying to find the right connection for me. I found that most of the people I matched with would always find a way to make the conversation sexual, even if we were talking about something completely different that interested both of us. It made it harder to dictate whether I felt I could actually form an emotional connection with them, or if they were just skilled at talking and their goal was just to have sex. Another aspect which my demisexuality branches into is not being able to engage in sexual behaviours when it isn’t in person. I had an experience where somebody I was talking to said it was a dealbreaker for them when I told them I was uncomfortable with sending provocative pictures or engaging in any sexual behaviour when it was not in person. It made me feel bad about myself for not being able to experience attraction in that way, but then I reminded myself that it was a blessing in disguise since the person was mainly interested sexually and not romantically. There is an ongoing misconception that I have encountered many times in the past when telling others about my demisexuality, that I would not be demisexual if I ‘just had sex’. Being demisexual is not a sexual preference or choice, it’s something different in how our minds view and react to the notion of sex and sexual attraction. We cannot physically experience sexual attraction to anyone on an intense level if the emotional bond isn’t there. Think of it this way - as though a friend you don’t find attractive wants to be intimate with you, but there is no desire or attraction to do so, and may give you 'the ick' if you don't feel that way about them. 

In many ways my demisexuality is actually incredibly helpful, because it allows me to truly acknowledge and get to know the people I allow into my life and see whether they have aligned intentions to mine. It allows me to connect with people in depth and understanding. I don’t personally find any gratification from casual intimacy, it doesn’t make me feel good or acknowledged. That is just my personal experience; many people do enjoy those sorts of relations and that is perfectly valid and respected. I just find that I feel much more fulfilled and satisfied when I can connect with the other person on a deep emotional and intellectual level before engaging in any sexual behaviour with them. 

I hope that you found this insightful, and that it can help you understand what demisexuals experience, and maybe even resonate with yourself! If you found it interesting please share it so others can read it too. They might not know about it!