Your Questions, Answered: Sex And Relationships

This month, we teamed up with Fumble - the digital sex ed resource for the 21st century - to answer all your burning questions about relationships, sex, and everything that comes with it. Your questions have been answered honestly and frankly by experts in the field and are intended for those above the age of consent (that’s 16 in the UK!). Here’s what they had to say…

 

Why do girls have so many signs that they’re turned on and boys only have one?

Everyone has lots of different signs that they’re turned on or aroused, regardless of gender or genitals. Like so many things related to sex, it’s incredibly personal, and your outward signs of arousal might be different to your partners’.

When it comes to sex, arousal and pleasure, it can sometimes feel like all the focus is on the penis and erections. The way we think about sex as a society is still very penis-focused (when we think about sex, we usually assume it’s penetrative penis-in-vagina sex), but having an erection isn’t the only sign that someone is turned on.

There are lots of areas of the body that feel sensitive and can create a sexual response when touched, which are called erogenous zones. They include genitals, but also much more. Common examples are: anus, nipples, neck, ears, hips, thighs and back. This is regardless of gender. Some other gender-neutral signs of arousal are: blood pressure and heart rate going up, breathing being heavier, temperature going up and perhaps showing that with flushed cheeks, positive sounds of enjoyment, eye contact, and more obvious ones like smiling and voicing enjoyment.

However, just because someone is visibly aroused, it doesn’t mean they consent to sex or want sexual intimacy. It’s important to look for all the different signs that somebody wants to have sex, such as positive and enthusiastic body language, and of course enthusiastic consent!

You can find out more in this in our article: What is sex?

 

Why do I get a huge guilt or depression mood for days after sex? Is that normal?

Sex is a physical, psychological, and emotional experience — it’s all linked! It’s a moment of heightened intimacy and intensity. When that deeper connection with your partner stops, it’s perfectly natural to feel a little ‘blue’ about it. It might be in the form of anxiety, a feeling of isolation, or even a feeling of depression. But don’t worry, it usually passes and these feelings aren’t permanent. It’s worth considering whether your feelings are also down to one of the following reasons:

• You weren’t ready for it, which is okay
• It wasn’t with the right person, which is okay
• It’s not like you’ve seen it on films/TV/porn, which is okay
• The moment has passed and you’re wondering whether you’ll ever get to experience it again, which is okay

If your low mood is affecting your daily life and impacting your ability to complete daily tasks, it may be a sign of something more serious. You can find further support here. You can also find out more in these two articles on sex and mental health: Navigating the "post-sex blues" and Sex and mental health: How could it be affecting me?

 

I’m uncomfortable with sex and I’m afraid my partner won’t understand what I want. What should I do?

The most important thing when it comes to sex is being honest about what you want and what you feel comfortable with, firstly to yourself. If you don’t feel ready to have sex yet (or ever!), that is absolutely okay and no one should put any pressure on you to do anything before you’re ready.

Once you’re being honest with yourself, it’s good to think about being honest with your partner(s). This can feel difficult! There’s still a lot of societal stigma around sex, so it can take some effort and practice before it feels comfortable. But it’s well worth doing; your partner(s) won’t know how you feel unless you talk to them.

There may be a way to make this conversation easier, such as: talking over messaging, writing it down and showing them, and simply acknowledging that this is new and difficult. They will very likely find it hard too and you may be able to find ways together to make it feel easier.

All relationships need good communication, whether they’re romantic relationships, friendships, or with family members. Communicating in a way that helps everyone feel heard and appreciated doesn’t just happen by accident — it’s often a skill we have to learn.

Read our articles for tips on good communication in both relationships and sex:
Top tips on how to communicate in relationships; ​​Talking during sex: How to tell my partner what I want in bed; Am I ready to have sex for the first time?

 

Do you have any advice on long distance relationships?

People can sometimes be pretty dismissive of long-distance relationships. Despite this, they’re very common – especially during the transition from school/college to university, when everyone’s moving from their hometowns. With numerous messaging devices/platforms, it’s easy to keep communication flowing despite being in different cities.
 
If you’ve met someone and you want to make it work, then it’s worth giving it a go! But before you do, there are some important things to think about:

• Communication - regular open and honest communication is essential
• Commitment - you both need to be completely committed to this type of relationship
• Trust - trust is essential for all relationships!
• Create an endpoint - know when you’ll next be in the same place at the same time
• Every relationship is different - what works for one relationship might not for another!

You can find out more in our article on long-distance relationships: How to survive a long-distance relationship

 

How do I tell my parents I’m sexually active with someone they don’t know about? They’re suspicious and against it, but it’s my choice…

While you may not want to know the intimate details of their sexual encounters, your parents might well be the best untapped resource of knowledge about fumbling around. And perhaps more importantly, all the other issues which surround sex itself. We’ve pulled together some tips on how to start a conversation about sex with your parents:

• Start by acknowledging how awkward the situation is – they’ll probably be feeling awkward too!
• Pick a time and a place – i.e. not when they’re busy or about to run out of the door
• Prepare what you want to ask – the conversation could go off on a frustrating tangent if you’re not sure what you really want from them
• Ask questions one at a time, rather than unloading a list of them all at once
• Ask questions without making them super personal. You can talk about sex in general terms, rather than necessarily about your personal relationship with it

You can read more in our article: How to talk to your parents about sex

 

What are the chances of getting an unwanted pregnancy with different contraceptives (like the implant, IUD, condoms, vaginal ring, pill) and what are the side effects?

Contraception can feel confusing: on the NHS alone there are 15 different types to choose from! That’s a lot of variation and finding a contraceptive that works for you can take a little time and effort. But it’s completely worth it for the sake of feeling comfortable and protected.
 
Contraception types have slightly different levels of effectiveness, but this is mostly down to whether people are using them correctly, e.g. taking a pill late or missing a day. Side effects vary a lot depending on the type of contraception, but also depending on the person. Just because your friend experienced a lot of side effects when using a type of contraception, doesn’t mean you will.
 
This makes the decision a bit trickier, but sexual health practitioners at any sexual health clinic will be able to help you. They’ll chat to you about your situation, why you’re thinking about contraception (people use contraception to manage their period pain and flow, as well as helping with acne), and what may work best for you, based on your lifestyle and family history of health.

We break down some of the most common contraceptive methods in our articles on contraception: Contraception; 8 contraception methods you need to know about

 

How do you know if someone is just using you for your body and sex, rather than a romantic relationship?

Communication is a really important part of all relationships, and plays a huge role in making sure everyone involved is on the same page about what to expect. Having sex without a romantic relationship can work well for some people, as long as everyone agrees to and understands this type of relationship, often called ‘friends with benefits’.

People will have different versions of ‘friends with benefits’, so it’s better to properly talk about everyone’s expectations and not assume you’re coming to the relationship with the same idea. The easiest way to avoid any confusion is to have a clear and open discussion about what you each want, and whether your feelings and needs are compatible and can be met by the other person. However, it’s okay if this isn’t for you! It doesn’t work for many people, and no one should be pressured into any type of relationship.

The only way you’ll completely know what sort of relationship someone is wanting from you, is to ask them. It can feel difficult to have these sorts of conversations, but it’s always better than spending time and effort trying to guess a person’s intentions and feeling uncertain.

Check out our articles on different types of relationships and how to know if you’re in a healthy relationship: Friends with benefits - Sex outside of relationships; Am I in a healthy relationship?

 

If someone shared your nude photos, what actions should you take to get them deleted permanently off their phone?

Sharing someone’s nude photos without their consent is a form of image-based sexual abuse (also known as ‘revenge porn’). Other examples are:

• Someone taking a naked/semi-naked photo or video of someone else without their knowing or their consent
• Uploading a naked/semi-naked photo or video online without that person’s consent
• Sharing a naked/semi-naked photo or video with other people, via messages or in-person

If anyone experiences image-based sexual abuse, they are never to blame. This is a horrible form of abuse, and anyone experiencing it deserves kindness, empathy, and support to get through it and build their self-esteem back up. Sometimes knowing that it’s illegal to send nudes under the age of 18 means that young people don’t seek help when something goes wrong. But the law is there to protect children and young people, not to punish them. It’s really important that, if something goes wrong and your nude is shared without your consent, you know there’s help and support for you. You’re not the one in the wrong, the person who shared/uploaded your image without your consent is. If this happens to you, please ask for help. You don’t have to deal with this alone.

It can sometimes feel difficult to talk to adults about this, like parents/carers and teachers. If that’s the case, there’s lots of support online. These organisations support young people in lots of different difficult situations, like image-based sexual abuse, and they’ll be able to help.

• Childline – a helpline and one-to-one counsellor chats to support you
• The Internet Watch Foundation – anonymously report any images that are posted online
• CEOP – make a report if you’ve experienced any online sexual abuse (including image abuse) 

You can read more in our article: Sexting and sending nudes

 

I feel insecure about the way my vagina looks. Will boys still want to have sex with me?

Fun fact: the term vagina only refers to one specific part of your anatomy. It’s a tube roughly 8cm (3in) long, which leads to your cervix. However, there is a lot more to genitalia than just the vagina. The external genitalia of someone with a vagina is called the vulva, and it’s really important for sexual pleasure and a host of other things.
 
The vulva consists of the urethra, clitoris, inner and outer labia and vaginal opening, and is protected by our pubic hair. The labia minora (the inner labia) and labia majora (the outer labia) are folds of skin which protect the clitoris, urethra (where urine comes out), and vagina. The labia can come in a variety of shapes and colours ranging from pale pink to black or brown. Contrary to what is commonly seen in pornography, labia are often protruding and rarely symmetrical - think of them as the ultimate Picasso painting!
 
However your vulva looks, it’s important to know that all vulvas are unique and beautiful. Anyone who makes you feel otherwise doesn’t deserve to be anywhere near your body. Find out more in our articles: Vulva; What is the clitoris?

 

Does being circumcised matter? I am, but feel like not a lot of people are where I live, and girls seem to be thrown off by it.

Every penis is slightly different. Their shape, size and even texture can vary and this is totally normal. We know many people feel anxious about the shape, size and performance of their penis – and we want to reassure you, your body is normal and it’s wonderful. This also goes for whether you’re circumcised or not. Lots of people are circumcised, and for a variety of reasons. Of course it’s not obvious who isn’t and who is in everyday life, but more people will be circumcised than you realise. Find out more in our articles: What's the deal with foreskins and circumcision?; Is my penis normal?

 

If you feel scared to leave a relationship because the other person might hurt themselves if you do, can the relationship ever be healthy?

If you’re worried that you or a friend is in an unhealthy relationship, here’s a handy list of questions to think about. Try to be as honest as possible when answering each one. If you feel a little squirm of anxiety in response to any of these points, don’t ignore it! That’s your body’s way of letting you know something’s up.

• Do you have complete trust in each other?
• Do you share mutual interests?
• Do you enjoy spending time together and having a laugh?
• Have you found your ‘equilibrium’ – a good balance between time spent as a couple, and time alone or doing your own thing with friends?
• Do you feel a connection and common understanding between you?
• Do you feel you work well together as a team, and do you want the best for each other?
• Do you communicate openly and honestly with each other?
• Do you feel the interest and effort goes both ways and isn’t one-sided?
• Do you feel able to discuss what you like and don’t like about the relationship, and have the big difficult conversations together?
• Does the relationship feel unpressured and unforced?

This question particularly relates to the last bullet point. No one should feel they have to stay in a relationship or feel scared to leave a person, for any reason. Both people wanting to be in a relationship together is the foundation of a healthy relationship. If anyone feels they are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship, there’s lots of support available.

Find more support in our articles on healthy relationships: Further support; Am I in a healthy relationship?; Many young adults have experienced controlling relationships; What can I do if I’m in an abusive relationship?

 

If someone says no, but still looks like they want to have sex, can we still have sex?

The main rule for sex is: you need to get your partner’s clear, enthusiastic consent. If someone is saying no, that needs to be respected. They are directly saying that they don’t want to have sex and that means you don’t have consent. It is incredibly important that you listen to that. This isn’t just a case of politeness, it is actually the law. If you don’t get enthusiastic consent from your partner before and during sex, you’re breaking the law.
 
More than that, it’s important to think about the impact on the other person. Think about how it feels when your decisions aren’t respected by others. You should always listen to what your partner is telling you to ensure you all feel happy and safe before, during and after sex. Just because someone is visibly aroused, it doesn’t mean they consent to sex or want sexual intimacy. Someone’s body can respond and appear turned on, but they don’t want to have sex. 

You can find out more in our articles about consent and enthusiastic consent: 10 reasons why enthusiastic consent is EVERYTHING; Is sexual consent more complicated than a 'yes' or 'no'?; Enthusiastic consent

 

When should I actually have sex with someone? I know it’s supposed to be ‘when two consenting individuals choose to’ but when do I know I’m ready to make that choice? How will I know that they’re the right person and I won’t regret it?

Whenever you decide to have sex for the first time, the most important thing is whether you want to. It’s very common to have questions when you’re thinking about having sex for the first time. It’s also normal to feel a bit nervous – this happens whenever we do something new. Just make sure those nerves are about excitement and anticipation, rather than fear and worry. There’s no wrong or right way to have sex for the first time – it’s more about how to make sure it’s as comfortable and fun as possible.
 
It sounds simple to say ‘when you want to’ but it can actually feel really complicated to figure out what we want. Unfortunately only you can make that decision, with the knowledge that the ‘right person’ should make you feel safe and comfortable, and there should be no pressure from them or anyone else. Read more and check out our tips to help you work out whether you’re ready to have sex: Am I ready to have sex for the first time?
 

How often should you get checked for STDs? I think I have an STD but I don’t know which one or what to do?

Firstly, sexually transmitted infections (STIs) are VERY common. STI is the more updated term instead of STD (sexually transmitted disease). That’s because most STIs are curable and, if not, treatable, just like any other infection, so ‘disease’ isn’t very accurate and adds to the already existing STI stigma. 

So don’t worry if you have one. It doesn’t mean you’re dirty or that you’ve done anything wrong. Many people with an STI don’t know they have one. This is because most STIs don’t have symptoms. The good news is that testing is free and available for everyone. A good rule of thumb is getting tested before every new sexual partner, and making sure they do that too. Otherwise, get checked once a year, or sooner if you develop symptoms or have concerns such as recently having had unprotected sex.
 
Health providers are there to support you if you have an STI. The easiest way to find out if you have an STI and find out what to do next is to head to a sexual health clinic or your GP. They will be able to tell you whether you have an STI and advise you on a course of treatment. Use this postcode checker to find a sexual health clinic near you. You may also be able to access free at home testing kits - check if you’re eligible for a free STI test kit here.
 
Most STIs can be cured by taking antibiotics, or managed so you can continue living your life! And yes, that means your sex life will continue in all its glory too! You can find out more about where to get tested in our articles: Why you should get tested for STIs; What to do if you have an STI; Where to get a sexual health check in the UK

Is it true girls have a lower chance of getting STIs? How do I prevent STIs?

STIs are any kind of bacterial or viral infection that can be passed on through unprotected sexual contact. Anyone can contract an STI, it doesn’t matter what your gender is, how many times you’ve had sex, or how many partners you’ve had. The best defence against STIs is to use a barrier method of contraception. These put a literal barrier between you and the other person, for example condoms or dental dams. 
 
Another way to prevent STIs is to get checked regularly to make sure you’re not at risk of passing anything on. Having an STI test before any new partner is a good habit to get into. Talking about sex can be awkward, but it’s also very important to have a conversation with your partners about whether or not they have been tested recently, before you have sex with them. That way you can help to keep yourself, and your partners, safe!
 
You can find out more about STIs in our articles: What are sexually transmitted infections?; Lesbians can't catch STIs... right?; How to talk about our STI status before sex; Dental dams; What is a condom? How do you use one?

 

How effective is the pull out method?

Sometimes called the ‘withdrawal method’ or ‘coitus interruptus’, this refers to someone pulling their penis out of someone’s vagina before they ejaculate, which usually results in them ejaculating onto their partner’s thighs or abdomen. Because it can be so hard to control ejaculation, pulling out is one of the least effective forms of contraception. In fact, most medical professionals do not even consider it a contraceptive method, because it’s so unreliable! It’s estimated around 27 out of 100 people who use the withdrawal method get pregnant each year. That’s more than a 1 in 4 chance of getting pregnant. 
There are also lots of different studies into whether pre-cum (the fluid that comes out of the penis during sex but before ejaculation) contains sperm. Doctors have been arguing about this for years – some say it does, some say it doesn’t. But as long as they’re uncertain on this point, we think it’s better to be safe than sorry and not use this method as contraception.

Read our article for more information: Pulling out: Our guide 

 

Is it normal for the first time having sex to be painful?

Sex should never cause you pain or discomfort. Sex can be a toe-curling, hair-raising, weird-sound-making, exploding glitterball of an experience. But that’s not always the case, and if you’re not enjoying sex, it’s not a feeling you should ignore. It is a very common worry that having sex for the first time will and should hurt, especially for people with vaginas and during penis-in-vagina sex. Not true! This is a myth. Sex should not be painful, for anyone during any type of sex.
 
There are lots of reasons sex might be causing you pain, such as lack of sexual arousal and lubrication, which can be quite common for first time sex. It could also be a sign of something more serious such as an infection, an allergic reaction (possibly to latex if using latex condoms), vaginismus or pelvic inflammatory disease (for people with vaginas), or a tight foreskin (for people with penises). Anal sex also shouldn’t hurt (especially with lots of lube); any pain will usually be caused by little tears in the tissue of the anus.
 
Stop immediately if there’s any pain – don’t push through. Depending on where and what the pain is, it might be worth getting checked out at the doctors or a sexual health clinic. Find out more about what you can do if sex is painful in our article: What can I do if sex is painful? Lots of things actually; Am I ready to have sex for the first time?

 

Can I buy condoms if I’m under 16? 

Condoms are the only contraception that protects against pregnancy and STIs at the same time. There are many different brands, sizes and shapes, flavours and textures of condoms, and latex-free condoms are available for people who have a latex allergy. With all of the options available, there’s no reason to avoid wearing a condom for partnered sex! It’s not essential to wear a condom for solo masturbation, but it can be a useful way to practice using them and to help contain any mess.

Good news! It’s easy to get free condoms – even if you’re under 16. The quickest and easiest way to find free condoms is to use the NHS’s nifty ‘Free Condoms’ search tool, or to search online for a specific type of service you’d like to use. Here are some key locations:

• Your GP
• Contraception and Sexual Health Clinics
• Genitourinary Medicine (GUM) Clinics
• Sexual Health Clinics for Young People
• Young People’s Services
• C-Card
• By Post

You can find out more about all these services in our article: Free condoms: Where to get your hands on them.

 

If you have any questions about sex, sexual health, relationships, gender or more, Fumble are here to help. Find answers and more services available to you by heading to their website.